I Seem to Have Misplaced a Copy of My Brain

Those are actual words that came out of my mouth, and it was a true statement in multiple ways. In "Stepping Stones," which is what we call our reading block, we read a book called "My Brain." We send home copies of the books for kids to read for homework, and I was one short. However, on another level I really am losing my brain, as it were...I set stuff down and two seconds later can't find it again. And making it through the day--especially last Thursday and Friday--can be the biggest challenge.

"This business of training little humans for life is a mind-boggling process." -unknown

"The best part of teaching is that it matters. The hardest part of teaching is that every moment matters, every day." -Todd Whitaker

I feel like if I wrote a book, I could title it "Adventures of a First Year Kindergarten Teacher: Stress Eating Dove Chocolates, or How I Lost My Voice and My Mind."

Mind-boggling does not even begin to cover what it means to teach kindergarten. When you're new at a job, it's okay to make mistakes. Everyone does. When you're learning, you learn best when things don't go perfectly. The issue is that the mistakes I make, while they make me a better teacher, affect kids' lives. My mistakes impact someone's kindergarten year. I feel like I should be better prepared, given that I have 3 prior years of experience in schools. Yet here I am, wasting time getting kids to just sit and listen...and then running out of time to get any work done. I keep meaning to create new centers for early finishers, go back to my notes from classes last year and try new things. But I simply have zero extra hours in the day to do that.

I honestly feel a bit like I am failing, both at being an effective teacher, and failing my students. I'm working on progress reports, and I have so many students not on grade level. Some of this is because it's only been 30 days of school, and learning is not always a fast process! Some of this is due to behavior. Some of this is due to language. And some, perhaps most, is likely due to me. I'm still learning, and finding out new things about my school, my responsibilities, and what I need to have in my classroom. I can't look further than a day or two in advance, because I am barely hanging onto my day to day goings-ons.

I feel bad too, writing "N" for growth needed, when I feel like it's my fault. Or, for my ELL students, because it's a language issue, and it's going to be "N" all year. We really need to provide ELL students with bilingual education, because not only is it important that they don't lose their native language, but because literacy in a first language translates to better learning a second. And as for this year, well, it can take 2-3 years to master basic conversational ability in a second language, and 5-7 years to master academic language. So it's okay that my ELL students won't master English skills this year...but they still deserve access to the content, and I feel bad that I can't supplement that with their own language because I don't know Spanish. I worry though, that even though developmentally speaking, I shouldn't expect them to be proficient, because that's unrealistic, that seeing "N"s on all their progress reports will have some psychological effect. So I need to keep this in mind and discuss this with parents at parent-teacher conferences to assuage fears the parents may have.

Good thing I'm ever the optimist, because last week was full of me feeling like a miserable failure. On the bright side, I do know that some of my kids are picking up stuff. We have this alphabet with our curriculum that has a picture intertwined with each letter. We are supposed to go through the alphabet saying each picture name (which has the letter sound ie: apple, bat and ball, caterpillar, dinosaur).

When assessing my kids for progress reports, I asked them to name letters. A few kids could tell me the picture that goes with the letter-- tower, snake--but I got a blank stare when it came to letter names. They're learning what I'm teaching, I suppose. But now I'm practicing the alphabet with letter names and sounds, because otherwise their foundation for letters is going to be random nouns, and that's confusing.

Congrats Grads!

"When people go through something rough in life, they say, 'I'm taking it one day at a time.' Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works." -Hannibal Buress

"When I was 5 years old my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down 'happy'. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, and I told them they didn't understand life." -John Lennon

The hardest thing about teaching is that one year is not much time at all. And I hate goodbyes. They're hard, and they're sad. Yet the harder the goodbye, I suppose, the more you've gained from that relationship. For kids it's so simple--"Ms. Elson, can you be my teacher next year?"--and I wish it were so easy. Instead, I give the kid a hug goodbye, and hope that perhaps our paths will cross again.

Today, I graduated from UCD's teaching credential program. Graduation is yet another event that encourages reflection--and more goodbyes. I realized that I graduate three years TO THE DAY after I graduated from undergrad. What a happy coincidence! Three years went by so fast. And a lot happened in the last three years--I ran two marathons! I met new people! I became a teacher! I made a difference!

Reason #bazillion why working with kids is amazing: This poem was written by a 5th grader, whose class I was in for a mere 2 weeks. It really doesn't take long to make an impression.

I don't know if it's because I'm a glass-is-half-full kind of person, but I feel like I have been so lucky to have gotten to where I am today on the route that I took--I firmly believe that I could not have been happier at any other college than Carleton. I could not have had a more positive experience at any other site than my lovely St. Paul elementary school. And I could not have found a better fit in terms of grad school, than I did at UCD. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I am not one to believe in fate, or that there's some grand plan for my life, or anyone else's. That said, I think that stuff happens, and it's up to us to give it a reason. To make meaning out of the coincidences that make up life. For example, I did not just jump into a teaching after undergrad, but rather spent 2 years confirming my career goals (and having a blast, living in Minneapolis and working at a fantastic school!) I firmly believe without those years of experience, not only would I have been a horrendous student teacher, but that my particular class could have convinced a different me that teaching was not the right path, even though it could not be any clearer to me that education is my calling.

The takeaway message here is that life is what you make it--and everything happens for the reason that you give it. Life may not always go smoothly--in fact this year had me doubting my teaching abilities and included a lot of tears--but every event can be a learning experience. So here I am, ready to have my own classroom, along with seventy-some other amazing credential students who I am honored to have sat with at graduation.

If not you, who? If not now, when?

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do." -Hellen Keller

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." -Mother Teresa 

I don't have all the answers. Or many at all, really. But I realized something: it's okay!

However, just because I may have no idea what I'm doing at times (at all the times), that doesn't mean I don't have to act, and stand up for what I believe in. Eloquent or not.

I am a very non-confrontational person. I care more than I'd like to admit about what others think of me.  Which has maybe held me back in terms of what I'm capable of accomplishing. But I'm also passionate and believe strongly in the power of education, and the ultimate good of humanity. And in class it was encouraging, while discussing LGBT issues and tackling "that's so gay" comments, hearing that saying something, awkward as it may be, is better than nothing. Now that I've written it out, it seems obvious, but I think that too many people refrain from saying anything because they don't want to say something "wrong." If it's coming from your heart, and a conviction that equality is important, then your message will get across--and can promote change.

"Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attached a hot fudge sundae." -Kurt Vonnegut

Last year my principal was super into Stephen Covey and brought his ideas of 7 habits of highly effective people into staff meetings. One idea that he brings up is spheres or circles of influence, and how effective people focus on what they have some degree of influence over. It's no use to stress out about what is in your "circle of concern" because you cannot do anything about it. I like this idea and I don't. I like it because I get overwhelmed by the big picture sometimes--the incredible existence of inequality in our education system, cycles of poverty, unjust laws etc. And it's good to take a step back and focus on something smaller. Something that I can do-teaching and making a difference just for my students. As they ask in my seminar class when we're all stressing out over everything we have to do: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead

The reason that I don't like this idea is that I don't think people are good at knowing what their circle of influence is; they don't realize what they are truly capable of. Covey gives people an easy way to perhaps live a little more stress free, but to have a cop-out when the going gets tough. Now, I haven't done extensive reading of Covey, and he probably didn't intend that at all. But it's a concern.

Because that big scale change? Starts with one small act. Large-scale change occurs gradually. For equality to truly take hold in our society's values, it's going to take a generation or two. So the solution starts in education, starts when you can educate and empower all children. It starts when you can plant that seed of critical thinking, questioning the world you were born into, and being open to difference. So many horrors of violence-physical or psychological-done on the part of children stems from ignorance. It might not be better tomorrow--it's like planting a tree. You may not get to enjoy its shade, but does that mean you don't plant it? Of course not!

A little knowledge can go a long way. Kids are curious. And when their curiosity is shut down, they learn that these so-called difficult topics are taboo, and that difference becomes an unknown, something scary. But it doesn't have to be. Conversations about race, or gender identity or disabilities need to be had. So hey, I'm going to have them in my future classrooms. I don't have all the answers, and I probably will stumble through my discussions awkwardly.

The important thing is that I'm going to try. It goes beyond just believing in things. The thoughts in my head mean nothing without action--maybe ultimately this blog is useless because it's just my thoughts put into words on a page. I get encouraged when I see lots of stories in the media that use research, that shows us how education can and should be to be successful. But I also get discouraged, because while awareness is the first step, I haven't seen much change. We have the research, and we have a lot of people with good heads on their shoulders (who unfortunately are not always the ones in power). Why aren't we using it?

I'm hopeful, because when I go to classes, I'm surrounded by like-minded people who will for sure make a difference. And because I just discovered that one of my friends in a different credential program has also spent extensive amounts of time thinking about equality, beyond I'm sure what his coursework required of him. I have every confidence that he is going to make a world of difference. And luckily, he's not the only one.

The Lorax, Dr. Seuss

So I guess it starts with me. And you.

Tale As Old As Time

 Through the mist, through the woods,

through the darkness and the shadows.It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride.
New and a bit alarmingWho'd have ever thought that this could be?True that he's no Prince CharmingBut there's something in him that I simply didn't see
(Beauty and the Beast)

            In the fall of 2010, I was about to begin my first job after graduation. I was a little nervous to be working at a primarily non-white, non-middle class school, which was different from my own school and life experience. Nervous not about the students, but about me. How was I going to react? How would I feel? I was out of my comfort zone: living in a big city for the first time, relying on public transportation, and working with children whose histories were in many ways completely different from my own. It is like in the Disney movie Beauty and the Beast, when the villagers are storming the castle where the Beast lives. They sing "We don't like what we don't understand and in fact it scares us and this monster is mysterious at least." It's the difference that creates these rifts between groups, because no one took the time to get to know the other, and discover that different does not make one characteristic better or worse than another. Belle knew better because she took the time to get to know the Beast. Because I was not entirely sure what to expect, I entered my job with an open mind, ready to learn, ready not to make the mistake of the villagers but to give difference a chance, à la Belle.

It turned out to be a very smooth transition. The differences between my students and me were important not because they were differences, but because each one meant a different story that affected how a child learned.   In the end, it was not too difficult to find common ground with every one of them. I may not have the same skin color as my students, but that did not stop one African American student from proclaiming that he wished I was his mother. I made an effort to get to know my students as individuals to learn how to best help them. I had more things to worry about than the color of each student’s skin when I was focused on bringing them up to grade level in reading or math.

My school requires students to wear uniforms, which helps diminish some socioeconomic status symbols, but my students’ histories began to emerge, and with that I began to learn the most important lesson about successfully interacting in this diverse environment: Don’t assume anything. My previous picture of what comprises general knowledge or common childhood experiences had to change. I could not assume anything about my students’ situations and thus had to be wary of making one of them feel uncomfortable with a seemingly harmless comment. It affected everything from the smallest detail, such as my freckles, to life altering details such as talking about parents. You quickly seek alternative ways to phrase these questions when a kindergartener shuts down because asking about their father leads to learning he is in jail. While at first it was a very conscious effort, it now just rolls off the tongue to ask for a parent, grandparent, auntie or uncle’s signature on an assignment versus asking for a mother or father’s. Education, in many ways, must be personalized for each student in order to optimize his or her learning.

Humans are adaptable and I am no exception. After a couple of months into the year, I felt very comfortable at work, even though it was quite different from every other place I had worked or lived. My job has enabled me to think about opportunity and privilege in a way I had not before. When I look at the beautiful rainbow of my students I realize that putting yourself into new situations, as long as you shed your assumptions and get to know your surroundings personally, can be incredibly rewarding. A good relationship can transcend the superficial differences that separate us and you may find out that what you did not understand is not so different after all.